Always Second
by Writingiswhatiam
Summary: Oneshot. Takes places during Back in Black. Ellie's thoughts as she sees Sean and Emma talking on the beach, and as Sean tells her he's staying in Wasaga.


**Authors Note: This part about Back in Black always bugged me, so I'm writing a oneshot about it. It's basically just Ellie's thoughts, as she watches how Sean and Emma interact on the beach. It picks up right after they pull Sean from the water. **

Sean lay on the beach, the sand getting wet beneath him. He didn't look like he was breathing and that scared the hell out of me. How could he survive the shooting only to drown days after?

"Sean, Sean, Sean wake up, Sean," Emma was saying desperately.

He began to cough and Emma kept her hand on his stomach to brace him. I couldn't help but think that that was my job, to take care of him and help him. I had to remind myself that he had just saved her life, and that he was with me not her. Still, the jealousy inside me began to grow.

* * *

I watched as Sean sat on the beach, looking at the water. I wanted to go talk to him, to apologize for pushing him so far earlier and tell him that he could talk about it when he was ready. 

I started to walk towards him, but that's when I saw Emma sitting down next to him. She put her hand on his arm and waved the other in front of her face. I closed my eyes, not wanting to see them. I knew I would always be second. Emma would be first, and I would always be second. The rebound. The girl he felt sorry for. Never _the one_.

"Maybe you need to see a doctor," she said.

"I'm fine," he shrugged his shoulders. "Just thinking."

"About what?" Emma asked, tilting her head to one side.

He looked at her in a way that made knots form in my stomach. "Emma, I'm sorry.'

She looked like she didn't know what he was talking about, but I knew she did. She just wanted him to elaborate, she wanted to milk it as far as she could because she still loved him. "For what?"

He shrugged again. "For last year, ya know? For everything I put you through."

I felt tears well up in my eyes. He didn't put her through anything. If she hadn't been such a controlling bitch, he wouldn't have left her. If she hadn't gotten him in trouble again, it wouldn't have made things worse.

"Everything," he added, looking her in the eyes. "I'm sorry."

I wanted to interupt them, but I couldn't.

"That's gotta be hard," Jay asked.

I hadn't realized he had been standing there. "What?" I asked.

"Watching those two together," he pointed. "It's gotta be hard on you."

"It is," I confided. "Jay?"

"Yeah," he asked, turning his head away from Sean and Emma and looking at me.

"Do you think Sean loves me?"

"Of course," he said, but I could see the uncertainty on his face.

I nodded, knowing that he was just as unsure as I was.

* * *

I waited for Sean by Jay's car. He had been in there a long time. I was worried they had gotten into a fight or something. Or worse, that they had mended their relationship and Sean wouldn't be coming back. _Stop being so dramatic_, I told myself, _Sean hated living here_. 

"Don't worry," Emma said, putting her hand on my shoulder. "It's going to be okay."

I nodded, looking away from her. I saw Sean approaching and felt Emma leave. He was walking slowly, his hands bunched up in his pockets. I felt the dread inside of me begin to grow, and I took a deep breath to calm myself. "I told them everything," he said. His eyes looked puffy like he had been crying.

I nodded, "Let's get you out of here," I said gently, reaching out and touching his arm.

He pulled it away and I knew. "E-Ellie," he said slowly, "look, I don't know how..."

I stared at him for a second, scanning his face for some hint that he would be staying. I couldn't find one. "You-you're staying, aren't you?" I asked, trying to hold the tears back.

He said nothing, he just looked at me, wondering if I could handle it. Wondering if I would cut again.

My heart stopped. I felt like I was going to throw up. "Sean, please," I pleaded, "I-I love you."

His face softened. "I love you too," he said. "But...Ellie-"

"Well, when are you coming back?" I asked, wanting to throw my arms around him and drag him back into the car.

He looked like he was going to say something and then stopped. He bit his lower lip and looked down at his feet. He wasn't coming back.

"Yo Cameron, get in the car," Jay said.

"Staying," Sean said, looking back up. "I'm staying." He walked around me, leaving me standing alone and heartbroken. "Look, for the first time in my life I need to be here. With my parents. To deal."

I shook my head in disbelief, wishing so badly I had my CD case with me so I could cut. I couldn't take it anymore. I ran to the passenger side of the car.

"You sure about this?" Jay asked.

Sean nodded.

"K, man, see ya," Jay said with a small smile. He shook his hand.

_That's it? Say something to make him stay, please._ I begged Jay silently. _Jay just say something to make him stay. _

He gave him a one armed hug and I could see Sean's eyes on Emma. On Emma. Not me, not the girl he was leaving alone in an apartment I could never afford.

But it was Emma's cold stare that brought tears to Sean's eyes. It was when Emma turned to leave that hurt him. I couldn't stand it, and got into the car without saying goodbye.

Emma stared at him out the back window, and I could see his reaction in the side mirror. He was crying. Not because I left, but because Emma left.

I couldn't stand it. I pulled my knees up to my chest and started crying. I tried to stop, but I couldn't. Soft tears flowed down my cheeks, and the car was filled with the sound of my quiet sobs.

"Are you okay?" Jay asked. I could feel him looking at me.

I shook my head no, and took a deep breath. I lifted my head up, staring ahead at the road.

"Ellie, it's for the best," Emma said.

"Shut up, you bitch," I said, turning in my seat to glare at her.

She jerked back and looked shocked. "Ellie, I-"

"I said, shut up," I told her, fixing my eyes on the road again.

"Hey," Jay said, patting my knee. "Just calm down. He loves you, he'll be back."

He'll be back, I knew that much. But I also knew that when he did come back it wouldn't be for me. It would be for Emma. I would always play second when it came to Emma.

* * *

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